


You are Pretty Worth It

by SambliongPalpatine



Category: Constantine (TV), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: After 3x15 of Legends, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 18:57:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19324126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SambliongPalpatine/pseuds/SambliongPalpatine
Summary: John has a breakdown. Chas is there.





	You are Pretty Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Hello y’all! This started bugging me since I saw that episode. I didn’t finish watching Constantine because I live in a shitty part of the world and Netflix kinda sucks. 
> 
> Anyway, that episode crushed me and I had to write some h/c for Johnny (the nightmare is based in one of mine). I now can finally work on my other fics hehe. 
> 
> English is my second language so excuse my mistakes; I am but a blind, lonely writer without a beta who does the best they can. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are so welcome. For now, enjoy!

You are Pretty Worth It

 

Constantine drags himself back to the Mill after portaling back (he’ll never get use to that, doesn’t matter how much time he spends with the Legends). He didn’t want to come back here, he would have preferred to go somewhere else, anywhere else because it hurts and he doesn’t want to face the emptiness... he doesn’t want to corroborate that his friends have gone and move on.

 

This time helping Sara and the Legends wasn’t as... entretaining and fulfilling as the last time. Not that facing thedemon that first time could be called ‘entretaining.’ But this time... this time it was more... soul-wrecking. 

 

The only nice part was Gary.

 

Gary is a nice, dorky bloke and John thoroughly enjoyed the D&D sesion and even when he wanted to take the man to bed and show him some good time of his own, he decided against it in the end. Gary is a pure little thing and John would have no qualms in having sex with him and leaving later being non the wiser. John is a nasty piece of work like that, just like he told Sara earlier.

 

For one, he fights the darkness every day, he tries to help as many as he can, even if he’s hurt and doomed more people than he’s saved.

 

And for other, he would sacrifice a friend in order to save a girl’s soul from Hell, a girl he failed (maybe helping his soul, too) if it were possible, he would do it, wouldn’t think about it twice. He’s selfish enough that he’d fix one of his biggest mistakes by condemning someone else.

 

Not to mention, he plays with people’s feelings, doesn’t matter how much he tells them, and himself, that he is dark and that by walking this road alone he’s saving others the pain of being with him. Or even of knowing him.

 

He drinks himself to sleep most nights; he has a nightmare collection that would prevent him from sleeping ever again and of which he isn’t fond of. He smokes more than he eats and he is a walking disaster and beacon for the supernatural, he likes punk and rock music and sleeping around, who in his right mind would want to be with someone like that?

 

He has fucked people’s lives before just by being himself. So that’s why he refused to take Gary down with him. He doesn’t want to hurt him, doesn’t want to see him leave like everyone else.

 

Not everyone is like Chas. Chas, the man he’s loved for nearly two decades and whose marriage he apparently ruined. Chas, a man he’s hurt before and yet he stayed with him. Chas has died many times because of him. And yet...

 

When he walks inside his house there are no lights and he can’t hear any noise so there is no one else home. He sighs partially in relief, tiredness and a tiny bit in defeat. It was a gruesome day, if he is being honest; revisiting the Astra chapter tore something inside him he thought he’d patched up before (only to be revisited in specific occasions).

 

He has other chapters that torment him, after all.

 

He is so tired that he isn’t beyond crawling up the stairs, he’s alone anyway so he Would have no witnesses to his shame. Witness his vulnerability because he’s never been a fan of displaying his misery, doesn’t like other people looking at his walls crumbled down. So he won’t make the effort to stop the tears from falling.

 

He nudges the door of his room closed with a foot and then slides his weary, batered body up his bed and unceremoniously drops on the middle and lets out a long sigh of exhaustion.

 

He is happy that Sara has found someone, a great woman that’s willing to go down to the realm of a demon for her. Sara deserves the happiness, she is not doomed as he is and she has people that care about her and that would never leave her. Doesn’t matter what she thinks of herself, she is worth it.

 

There is a part of him that longs for something like that; someone willing to go fight a demon for him, someone who chooses him, chooses to stay with him. For him.

 

But he doesn’t deserve it. His father made it clear, the people he’s failed.,, Astra, Gary, Zed. Chas.

 

Astra’s voice fucked him good, bringing rushing back all his repressed feelings, and normally locked away memoriesand suddenly he’s bolting up from the bed and tripps his way into the bathroom to throw up the meager contents of his stomach; he hasn’t eaten all day so he’s sure his body would make him vomit his insides just to spite him.

 

Slumping back against the wall; chest heaving, sweat pooling on his collarbone, eyes glazed over with, until that moment, unshed tears. A few teardrops escape and out of pure stubbornness he squeezes his eyeswith the heels of his hands until light fireworks explode behind his lids as they start to hurt.

 

The pressure wins though ahd thetears fall freely now, sobs violently wracking his body, emotions need an outlet after all. He just gained new fuel for his

nightmares, not that he needs it but well, that’s how nightmares work.

 

Sara isn’t as lost as she thinks she is, not like he is. She deserves not to be alone, contrary to him. He’s damned since childbirth, he killed his mother after all. Someone who claims their mother’s life can’t deserve good things. Certainly he doesn’t, that’s why he’s been alone since forever and he likes to pretend he’s okay with that. Key word being ‘pretend.’

 

With shaky hands he pulls out his cigarettesbut he underestimated how badly he’s shaking so when he tries to light it, the flame is so unsteady that he nearly burns his face so he gives up smoking.He obviously won’t go down for a glass of bourbon so he chooses the next best thing.

 

He crawls into the shower still clothed and opens the cold water, letting it pour over him; freezing himself alongside his thoughts. His hair is plastering against his face and his clothes cling to him in an almost hug. Sad, isn’t it?How long it has been since anyone hugged him that he feels as if his clothes are actually hugging him.

 

Why would anyone? You just gotta give John one look to know that he’s a mistake. Because he is, he’s bound to hell, quite literally.

 

So he is alone, he will always be alone. I don’t want to share with others how lost I really am... because he’s not like Sara.

 

He’s distantly aware of the noises coming from downstairs but he makes no move to acknowledge it. His shaking worsens, thanks to the cold water, but thankfully his thoughts froze as well so he is just sitting on the shower’s tiles with his knees pressed against his chest, water pouring over him, shaking like a leaf.

 

You kill everything you touch, killer. You killed your brother and then you killed your mother. You just pretend to be something you aren’t...

 

John clamps his eyes shut because it hurts, hurts in that special way truth always does. He deserves to be alone and still he longs for something more, but he can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispers to the room at large, choking on a broken sob.

 

“John,” a voice calls.

 

Standing there, framed by a luminous halo, is someone who might be his mother. Or maybe Gary, he can’t see their face so he can’t be sure.

 

“I forgive you, John,” the voice says softly and for a moment he thinks he can feel the gentlest of touches on his cheek and the metallic tang of blood in the air. He lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and somehow he feels a little bit better.

 

Suddenly the water changes from cold to nearly boiling and John realizes how nearly frozen he is. There’s also someone frantically calling out his name and by their tone of voice they have been trying for quite some time.

 

“John, John. Come on, jackass, come on...” 

 

When he comes back to himself and his eyes focus again he finds no angel, no light nor halo. Instead he stares up at Chas’ worried face, his warm hand lightly shaking his shoulder. 

 

“Ch-Chas?” he stutters a little.

 

“John, are you alright? What happened?” Chas asks worriedly as he pushes his wet hair back.

 

John can’t talk right now so he just swallows and shakes his head. Chas sighs and gives a firm nod before straightening from his crouching position and turns the water off,then helps John to stand and starts removing his clothes.

 

“Well mate; if this is what you wanted, you could at least buy me dinner first,” he says in an attempt at being his usual self but the joke is lame at best. 

 

Chas gives him a look that would probably freeze hell (or set it ablaze, depending on your beliefs) and John drops the act; he slumps against the wall for support and lets Chas finish undressing him.

 

When he is done, John is a naked, shivering mess and he’s never felt so vulnerable in front of this man as he does now. “You know, I imagined this going quite different, mate,” he tries for cheeky by telling a truth.

 

Chas sighs and says nothing. He wraps a towel around his head and rubs his hair dry gently, making a shiver run down John’s spine because this feels so good; having Chas do this for him is something he never thought would happen. When he finishes with his hair, he leaves the towel wrapped tightly around John and exits the room. John’s heart clenches, thinking he’s been left alone with his misery againuntil the taller man comes back in bearing clean clothes.

 

“Here, put this on so you can warm up,” he says seriously, worry in his eyes.

 

John puts on the pants and smiles when he sees the shirt he’d stolen months ago, it’s huge on him and it still smells faintly of Chas. When he’s dressed he tries to give a step towards the door but his legs are somewhat wobbly and Chas catches him before he could fall down and fucking hell, he picks him up, eliciting an undignified sound from the smaller man.

 

Chas only carried him like this once, a long time ago. The only time John thought his relationship with Chas would go somewhere but he had been wrong; Chas had only kissed him once and that was enough to have John hooked.

 

Then Chas had gone and married Renee and fathered Geraldine, meanwhile John was left with his love and one-night stands.

 

Here they are now, though. Chas places John carefully on the bed and covers him with the blankets, he brushes his blond hair back gently making John close his eyes and let out a long exhale.

 

“I’ll bring you something to eat and warm tea,” he says, walking to the door. “Don’t move.”

 

“Not planning to,” John mumbles, pulling the blanket up to his chin.

 

John has thought many times about doing Chas a favor and finally get out of his life but he’s too selfish and too masochistic, he isn’t strong like that. He’s never been and because of that he’s ruined Chas’ life. But, as he once read somewhere, nobody that doesn’t want to stay stays. So if Chas wanted to leave he would have left when he had the chance. He got married and has a kid, he could have ditched John, he could have chosen his family. But he didn’t...

 

The door opening interrupts his train of thought, Chas comes in carrying a tray with something that smells delicious and his stomach grumbles at the prospect of warm, homemadefood. He hasn’t eaten in however long and he can only deny his needs for so long.

 

Chas places the tray on John’s lap and takes a seat on the edge of the bed. He says and does nothing but stare at John expectantly and it’s a little-or a lot- unerving.

 

“You plan on staring the whole time, mate?” John asks, looking down at the food.

 

“I know you sometimes are in the habit of stalin and end up eating nothing when you’ve had a rough time,” he eyes John in the way a parent would a misbehaving child. “So yeah, I’m making sure you eat all that.”

 

John snickers but digs into his meal anyway. The broth leaves a pleasant warm trail down his throat and into his stomach and he can’t suppress the moan that sneaks out of him.

 

Chas makes a choking sound and tries to cover it with a cough. John peers at him but the other man is looking away. John smirks a little and as he takes another spoonful he lets out another moan, making Chas take a sharp inhale before turning an unimpressed look at him and John finishes eating innocently.

 

“Are you going to tell me what happened to make you get:.. like that?” Chas asks, hesitantly.

 

John pauses mid-motion of taking the mug up to his lips and just stares down at the murky liquid, sloshing around the porcelain. “I helped the Legends with an exorcism,” he offers as explanation.

 

“You have helped them with that before and you didn’t come back,,, like this,” the other man points out.

 

John shrugs, still staring down at the tea. “This time it was different, you know how demons are,” he says, trying for a smirk that comes out wobbly.

 

Chas bites his cheek, maybe to prevent a groan or something else and takes the tray from John and places it on the nightstand. He moves to sit down next to John and wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and John can’t help burrow closer because Chas is so warm and it feels so good. Chas starts carding long fingers through John’s curls gently, helping him relax further.

 

“Has this something to do with Sara?" he presses the question against John’s hair.

 

Chas doesn’t really indulge in this sort of physical contact; he usually only gives John a pat on the back or, sometimes, a quick ruffle of his hair and even more rarely a quick hug. But never really this.

 

If John were in his right mind he probably would have laughed. Instead of offering an answer or otherwise speak, he just lays his head in Chas’ chest and exhales deeply."She’s got a great woman willing to go to Hell for her," he says idly.

 

Chas hums and keeps carding his fingers through his hair. "Does that bother you?" he asks.

 

John snorts, sort of. "Not for the reason you may think," he replies, immediately regretting saying that. But not even him at his best would have the grace to backpedal himself out of that confession.

 

But Chas doesn’t commentor further inquire, he keeps on carding his fingers through John’s hair in silence (for which he’s thankful) and so John can lay there peacefully in Chas’ embrace until exhaustion pulls him down to sleep.

 

 

“Why, John?”

 

His eyes snap open, he’s still in his room but Chas is nowhere to be seen and the temperature has decreased quite a few degrees, John rubs his hands together and blows on them trying to gain some warmth.

 

“Why, John?” the same voice asks.

 

John looks around the room until he finds the small figure standing near the door. The person takes a step further in revealing a girl Sara-look-alike but the voice is all wrong- oh.

 

“Why, John?” she asks again; sadness in her tone and hatred in her eyes. “Why didn’t you save me? Why did you choose her?” she sounds anguished now.

 

“Astra,” he whispers, assuming a sitting position to look at her better. “I’m sorry, Astra. I- if it could have been done I would have but-“

 

Her features change, the delicacy in them morphs into something horrible and a demonic laugh seems to come from the depths of her body but when she speaks it’s still Astra’s voice. “No, John. You failed her once and you’re still failing her. You take and take and never give, you’re selfish and broken and that’s why nobody loves you. You. Are. Not. Worth. It,” she finishes in this last demon’s gtave voice and a cruel smirk.

 

“So why, John?” The nightmare’s form changes and now there’s a beautiful blonde woman in a hospital gown and blood running down her legs to pull on the floor. “Are you so selfish that you even had to strangle your brother? Wasn’t it enough with me?”

 

"M-mom?" he almost doesn’t dare to ask.

 

She shakes her head. "I don’t blame you, John," she sounds almost gentle for a moment. "With that father of yours, it was foolish of me to expect something different of his child," all gentleness is gone now and she looks at him with disgust.

 

It’s as if an iron grip has settled around his heart and is painfully squeezing harder with each person’s appearance.

 

“Yes, John, why?”

 

John’s heart stops its erratic beating for a moment because now, standing in the pool of his mother’s blood, is-

 

“Chas?” he asks in a small voice.

 

His eyes are dark and his expression is vacant and the hold on his heart tightenes. He squeezes his eyes shut but it doesn’t make a difference because he can still smell the blood and hear Chas’ voice. He feels his head about to explode and tears are streaming down his face.

 

“How many times have I died for you, John? What are you gonna tell my daughter when I don’t come back again? I had the life I wanted but you couldn’t let me go. And now, now what do I have, John?”

 

He squeezes his eyes tighter because that hurts in ways he can’t explain. “It wasn’t my fault, you could have said no,” he tries to defend himself.

 

“No, I couldn’t. You are a mess, John. Where would you be without me? Would you have die instead of me? Would you, John? Would you die for me?” his laugh is cruel and bitter. “No, you wouldn’t because that’s who you are, John. A selfish man who takes andtakes and takes and ruins people’s lives without giving a shit.”

 

“That’s not true, Chas. You know that’s not true,” he whispers brokenly.

 

“Is it really, John?”

 

“Yes!” he yells.

 

“John..”

 

“Yes! It’s true! It’s all true! I’m a killer and I’m selfish and I’m broken and I ruin people’s lives,” he sobs and shakes. “But I care and I would die for you and I’m sorry...”

 

“Wake up, John.”

 

“I’m sorry!” he says, choking with his words.

 

“Sh, I know. You have to wake up now,” soft lips press against his temple.

 

 

John’s eyes fly open, for real this time, to come face to face with Chas’ worried face so close to his own. John’s panting hard, at the edge of hyperventilation, sweat-soaked and dilated pupils. His tears still stain his cheeks. “Chas,” he whispers brokenly.

 

“It’s me, John. Your nightmare is gone,” he whispers, too. “You’ll be alright now.”

 

John shakes his head, either in negation or just to clear his head or maybe in neither. He has no words, he instead jumps from the bed and rushes to the loo to throw up for the second time in a few hours, as always after a nightmare like this.

 

The difference is that Chas is there with him and that is in equal parts a comfort and a discomfort. He’s not used to letting people in, to see him like this. But his walls are down and he is too weak and exhausted to try to rebuild them tonight. He is so cold and Chas is so damn warm...

 

“I never knew they got this bad,” he says as he helps John get back into bed.

 

“That’s because I’m usually passed out and manage to last through the night,” he saystrying to get comfortable even if he knows he won’t be able to sleep again. 

 

"Why haven’t you told me?" Chas asks.

 

"Didn’t want to worry you, mate," he replies.

 

"Was this one about what you helped the Legends with?" the other man asks quietly.

 

John bites his lip, considering if he should or shouldn’t tell Chas. He is so tired, though and just wants some comfort for once, so he decides on telling a half-truth. "Part of it, yeah."

 

Chas sighs and looks down at his hands. "I heard you say Astra’s name, John," he prompts and there is no point in denying it anymore.

 

He rries to swallow the lump forming in his throat and scrubs a hand over his face, speaking through his fingers. "I saw her, as I was helping to exorcise Sara. The demon tried to distract me with her,"

 

Chas’ eyes soften and he pats John’s leg comfortingly. "You should forgive yourself, John. Maybe in doing so you’ll get some peace."

 

Constantine smiles wanly and uses Sara’s own words. "I don’t deserve forgiveness."

 

"If others can forgive you so can you," the man whispers, leaning closer to John.

 

He shakes his head, he’s just so tired. "I’m not worthy," he speaks through his teeth.

 

Chas cups his cheek, caressing the skin softly. "Yes, John. You are,” he says in a whisper before kissing him. 

 

Despite having wanted this for as long as he has, he can’t. So he pushes Chas away, vigorously shaking his head. "No, stop. You don’t want this, mate. I’m- I’m not worth it. I’m- I’m poison-“ he speaks in a rush but he’s crying again and nearly chokes with saliva and sobs as he spoke. “I- I ruined your life, your- your marriage,” he stutters and closes his eyes dreadfully. That’s why he usually chooses to drink himself into oblivion, to avoid this exact outcome. 

 

Chas shakes his head sadly. “Oh John, no. You didn’t destroy my marriage, I did that on my own,” he sighs a bit dejected, rubbing his face. “I could have stayed with my family; they were supposed to be my priority but I always ended up running after you,” he gives John a meaningful look, as if he was expecting John to get whatever he tried to imply with what he just said. 

 

But John can’t, for the life of him, figure shit out. Chas just kissed him but the previous events and the subsequent nightmare still weight on his mind. He can’t process this right now. He needs a drink.

 

He doesn’t say anything, he scrambles to his feet and moves to the door with all the intention of going to find his bourbon and drinking himself to sleep.

 

“Where are you going, John?”

 

Chas’ voice stops him with a hand on the door knob. "You don’t want this, mate. I’m just saving you the trouble by walking away, " he speaks to the door.

 

So he is unaware of Chas getting up and walking towards him. " You know all about walking away, don’t you John?" he places a hand on his shoulder and uses that to turn the smaller man around. “We have both spent enough time walking away from what we want, don’t you think?” he says earnestly.

 

John shakes his head weakly, lowering his eyes. "Sometimes that’s the only way to save ourselves,” he mumbles.

 

Chas places a hand gently on John’s jaw and lifts it so their eyes meet. "I’m tired of running, of denying what I want," he says, softly. “You are worth it, John,” he states and he sounds so convinced about it that John doesn’t want to contradict him. 

 

John swallows hard, he never thought this day would arrive. The day when Chas finally admitted his feelings, or sort of admitting them or whatever. He used to think-and feel- he wasn’t ready for it, certainly he never felt worth it.

 

But also he is too selfish to deny himself this now that the possibility of having it has presented itself. Maybe this is why Chas’ marriage was bound to fail, because that was just a stop in his way to John. And also, John knows better now (sort of, maybe) and there’s nothing he can hide from Chas because the man knows him better than anyone else,he’s been with him for far too long. Chas knows how lost he is, he’s seen his darkness first handed. And still he’s stayed.

 

So John lets out a breath and wraps his arms around Chas’ neck and smirks a little. "Well mate, you still owe me that dinner," he whispers.

 

Chas scoffs and wraps his own arms around John’s waist and shakes his head in amusement. "That can wait. First I have to show you how worth it you are," he says against his lips before closing the last minuscule distance as he properly kisses John.

 

John hums and shuts his eyes in pleasure. Chas wraps his arms tighter and picks him up, making him squeak and wrap his legs around the taller man’s waist, allowing Chas to carry him easily back to the bed. 

 

Chas won’t erase John’slife-worth of self-loathing and self-worthlessness in one night, he won’t make him forget anything but at leastiJohn is no longer alone and he’s accepted that. And maybe, just maybe, in time he will see his worth and understand that even if he is to go to hell when he dies, he deserves this happiness. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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